Monday, November 23, 2009

The Best Male Masturbation Products: A Tale of Two Sleeves

So as long as men have had dicks, we've been experimenting with things to put them into. In fact, entire websites (like are filled with tragic, yet inadvertently hilarious stories of masturbation misadventures.

Like the man who tore his left testicle off masturbating with a belt-driven factory engine (and took three days to report it - ick.) Or a man who got himself stuck underwater while having sex with his pool filter (I can't make this stuff up.) Or the man arrested for having sex with a vacuum cleaner (in public, no less.)

Every man alive has at some point experimented with finding gratification with something other than his own left hand. Any man who tells you otherwise is lying - trust me.

When I was a boy, I used to squish two pillows between the box-spring and mattress. Other kids cut holes in their stuffed toys. One book I read - a dreary Jewish coming-of-age saga set in depression-era New York - featured an inexplicable and disturbing scene in which a teenage boy has sex with uncooked beef brisket. Ick!

In fact, there's a whole website devoted to homemade sex toys, so you can imagine the extent of this phenomenon.

Yet despite mankind coming up with all sorts of bizarre experiments to make masturbation more enjoyable, sex toys for men seem to be a fairly recent invention. It's only in the past few years that a whole slew of fake vaginas and masturbation sleeves have become available.

And let's be honest - many of them suck... And not in the good way.

For the most part, fake vaginas and masturbation sleeves are horrible, simply because they all seem to share the same flaw. For me, it's the fact that they're not deep enough. Even my personal favorite, the beautiful fake vagina of Anya Angel (which is one of the best on the market) suffers because, when you thrust balls-deep into it, the head of your cock 'pops out' the other end!

Anya Angel's pussy and ass is a great, affordable fake vagina - but like most, just isn't deep enough

There's nothing more frustrating than reaching the point of orgasm and giving into the automatic instinct to thrust deep - only to find you wind up 'thrusting' into thin air. Also, it's not great when you find yourself spurting onto the bedclothes, couch or (on more than one occasion) the opposite wall.)

In all my years as a sex-toy reviewer (the number of masturbation sleeves and fake vaginas I've defiled is in the double digits) I've discovered some good toys, and grown frustrated with an awful lot of bad ones - but the only two masturbation sleeves that get an A-star, 'Champagne and Benzedrine approved' rating are the Fleshlight and the Tenga Flip Hole.

The Fleshlight, left ($79.99) and the Tenga Flip Hole, right ($99.99)

They're also two of the more expensive masturbation sleeves on the market. While a fake pussy can easily set you back a couple of hundred dollars, a masturbation sleeve - like the Red Headed Slut - is generally between $15 and $30. Both the Fleshlight and the Tenga Flip Hole are closer to $100 - and they're worth every penny.

The primary reason for them being so much better than everything else is depth. It seems like they're the only two masturbation toys on the market that can easily accommodate a full-length penis, right up to the balls.

With the Fleshlight and the Tenga Flip Hole, when you thrust deep, the toy easily accommodates you (and continues to stimulate the swollen head of your cock even as you cum - making the experience as 'real' as it's possible to get.) Also, your spurts are safely contained within the toy itself, instead of on the bedspread.

The second thing that makes these toys stand out is their rigid casing. This makes them incredibly versatile. You can 'pump' them by hand in a sitting position, or reinvent the childhood trick I mentioned earlier and cram them between the box-spring and mattress to do some doggy-style solo sex.

Lodging the Fleshlight in between the bed and the mattress makes for dynamic solo sex. Don't forget the lube!

The third thing? You can mix it up by adjusting the suction. On the Fleshlight, you simply turn the knob at the end to increase or decrease the vacuum. This means you can simulate the tight sucking of a mouth, or loosen the knob and thrust deep and clear into a passage that feels like a real vagina.

Adjusting the suction on the Fleshlight is easy, and makes for a variety of new sensations

With the Tenga Flip Hole, there are three 'buttons' on either side. Once you're buried into the Tenga's depths, you can squeeze these buttons and expel the air out of the bottom of the sleeve (it emerges around the root of your cock like a wet fart - ick) and adjust the suction accordingly.

Adjusting the suction on the Tenga Flip Hole is less sophisticated

And the final reason these two sleeves are superior is because you can dissessemble them for cleaning. The Tenga Flip Hole cracks open like a clamshell, allowing you to wash and dry the inside thoroughly, while the Fleshlight breaks into four parts - the top cap, bottom cap, outer casing and sleeve - and can be rinsed and left out to dry accordingly.

The Fleshlight breaks into four parts for cleaning

This is actually one area in which the Tenga Flip Hole has the edge, simply because it's so easy to crack the sleeve open and thoroughly clean and dry it. The silicone-composite sleeve is also pretty hardy - meaning you can use antibacterial soap on it (which you can't on the SuperSkin® interior of the Fleshlight.

The Tenga Flip Hole is ridiculously easy to clean and care for

In fact, while the Fleshlight does break apart easily, it's a lot more difficult to care more than the Tenga Flip Hole. For a start, the Superskin® sleeve is incredibly delicate and doesn't split apart - meaning the only way to safely clean it is to simply rinse hot water through it. Once you've done that, the fleshy plastic becomes incredibly tacky - it'll stick to anything.

The only way to restore that soft, plump, fleshy-consistency is to dust it with corn-starch (never talc). Obviously, you can't dust the inside, so you need to hang it up to drip-dry - and the sight of a disembodied vagina hanging up in your bathroom pretty much kills the 'discretion' aspect of the chunky plastic sleeve.

Yet while the Fleshlight is undeniably a bit of an arse to clean, it does have one unique advantage over the Tenga Flip Hole - it simply feels better. People are willing to put up with the pain-in-the-ass Superskin® material because, when properly cared for, it does feel deliciously like human flesh.

The sensation of fucking the Fleshlight is pretty much as close as it gets to really having sex and while the Tenga Flip Hole has a ton of practical advantages over the Fleshlight, I know which one I'd prefer to be stuck on a desert island with.