Sorry for the lack of posts...

This week has been a circumstances-changing 'mad one' and I haven't had a chance to think much about anything apart from those pesky concerns of the so-called 'real life.'

Hope to get back into the swing of things soon.

Thanks for your patience!

On Missing the Point

For the last week or so, there's been a whirlwind of activity on the blogosphere about rape and rape culture, with articles like Schrodinger's rapist, "I write about sex. That is not an invitation," "Ever Notice How Blame The Victim Narratives Reinforce The Myth of Male Weakness?" and Round Up: On Rape getting posted.

Sadly, most of these have gradually filtered down into an argument over the feminist phrase 'All Men are Potential Rapists.'

I've made no secret of the fact that I think this phrase is fucking retarded; partly because it doesn't communicate the point it's trying to make, partly because it implies that every single man on the planet (including the gay ones apparently) is equipped and capable of raping a woman.

The large part of the ongoing discussions involve people either defending the phrase 'All Men are Potential Rapists' or arguing about how stupid, offensive and inadequate it is. Sadly, this has meant the the meat of the discussion - about how women feel that they're forced to view every man as a possible sexual predator - has been utterly ignored.

So I think it's time both sides gave some ground.

Those who find the phrase stupid and offensive should look beyond it when they see it written and actually try and focus on the point the writer is trying to make.

This is the major problem - these people see the phrase and either write a comment about how retarded it is, or simply click on the 'back' button and read another post entirely. Either way, the point the writer's trying to make doesn't even get read.

And secondly, feminists who still believe in the phrase 'All Men are Potential Rapists' should at least try to use a different phrase.

I recommend 'To a woman, any man could potentially be a rapist.' It's somewhat superior because it actually makes the point they trying to make - that all men are viewed as rapists and aren't necessarily actual rapists.

I'll admit, I have an agenda here. If feminists stopped using the phrase 'All Men are Potential Rapists' then they might be surprised to discover that more and more men - the audience they need desperately to talk to - are actually willing to engage in the discussion. I want to see things get better. I'm proposing something that might help.

It's therapy 101, actually. When you sit in a room during couple's counseling, you're meant to talk about yourself - 'I feel' and 'I think' and not angrily point your finger at the person sitting opposite. If you yell; 'YOU are...' this and 'Your problem is...' that than the therapy never has a chance. Anger is never a solution - it just makes this worse.

I'm going to do my best to stick to this philosophy. Apart from a comment I just made on the lovely Alana's blog, I've ceased and desisted arguing about 'All Men are Potential Rapists.' I still think the phrase is retarded, badly worded and unclear - but I also hope to contribute to a better world by looking at the real problem and not just the semantics surrounding the discussion of it.

Because there are some REALLY important issues to discuss.

Sarah Bear wrote a post about 'Yes Means Yes' - which means, to be more exact, 'Not saying No doesn't mean Yes.' I've always argued that there's no 'grey area' in rape - either a woman willingly gives consent to sex, or she doesn't. Sarah points out that some men act as if just because a woman doesn't say 'no' than they must mean 'yes.'

It was a 'holy shit' moment for me when I read that - because I realized that communicating this not-so-subtle difference to my male peers was an instant way of contributing to the solution to this problem.

Hello Saraid wrote a post about her experiences with sexual assault which (and this was largely my fault) descended into the tired old argument about 'victim blaming' and personal responsibility.

Personal responsibility IS something we need to talk about. No women is ever to blame for being the victim of a sexual predator, but if 'all men are potential rapists' then why do feminists refuse to ask girls and women to act as if that statement was actually true?

I haven't explained it very well here - and have no intention of discussing it in this post - but if you want to write one woman's brilliantly written and challenging post on the subject, read what Always Laurel wrote here.

Victim blaming and personal responsibility are two separate things and the fact that feminists refuse to discuss them as such is a huge disservice to a generation of women.

Not So Vanilla wrote one of the most moving wake up calls, which was about her personal experience as the victim of rape.

Reading that was a sharp reminder that solving the problem of rape doesn't have anything to do with defending the wording of one particular phrase, or whether or not what something somebody wrote or said is offensive. It's about stopping women from being the victims of sexual violence. That's the only issue that's really important.

At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to stop writing about depressing stuff, and I've failed by addressing this topic!

I have to admit, I've found it really difficult to engage with many of the bloggers who've written from a feminist perspective about rape and that's a bad sign. I think men have so much to learn from feminists about the way we guys inadvertently make women feel. I even have a strong belief that the majority of men are good people, and once they see things from a new perspective, they'd actively and openly engage in trying to make things better.

But men are more insecure, defensive, vulnerable and sensitive than people give them credit for. That makes it pretty much impossible to engage them constructively in any discussion which opens with the phrase 'All Men are Potential Rapists.'

You don't have to like it - I certainly don't - but that's how it is and it's not going to change.

Notes from a Seduction

It's all very well defending my gender in an argument with bloggers like Britni and Saraid, but when delightful tidbits like this crop up, you can't help shaking your head and wondering why women bother with men at all.

Classic clips from dating videos of the eighties.

Staff Wanted!

It has come to my attention that the following members of staff would be a useful addition to the household, in both vanilla and 'not-so-vanilla' capacities. Currently I'm just trying to work out how to cover the payroll in our monthly expenses:

1. Nanny – Compact, stern English woman, preferably similar to ‘Supernanny’ Jo Frost.

Primary Duties – Babysitting duties, being bossy and organized.

Secondary Duties - Disciplining adults, preferably with bare-bottom spankings, a strap-on and domination and humiliation.

Uniform: Daytime; matronly skirt and jacket, hair in a bun. Nighttime; leather corset, collar and chain.

2. Masseuse – Large, muscular, well-hung Scandinavian

Primary Duties – Providing relaxing, deep-tissue full-body massages to the Lady of the House.

Secondary Duties – Providing invigorating, deep vaginal and anal penetration to the Lady of the House every morning, and thereafter upon her demand.

Uniform - Baby oil, an erection.

3. French Maid – Curvaceous and exotic-looking brunette, large bottom

Primary Duties – Maintaining a neat, clean and organized house.

Secondary Duties – Bending over household furniture provocatively, forgetting to wear panties, dragging the Man of the House into the closet for a quickie

Uniform; French maid’s outfit, no panties

4. Bedwarmer – Generously-proportioned, orally-fixated brunette.

Primary Duties – to snuggle in bed and pre-warm it for the adults of the house.

Secondary Duties – To wriggle under the covers and provide cunnilingus and fellatio to said adults upon bedtime.

Uniform – Fluffy ducky pajamas

5. Soaplady – petite, agile Asian

Primary Duties – To soap up, shampoo and wash adult members of the household in the bath

Secondary Duties – To provide erotic, soapy massages, ‘happy endings’ and prostate massages

Uniform - Bubbles