Wednesday, May 5, 2010

When Sex Toys go Bad

Unless you're a Sex Blogger - in which sex toy materials are probably second nature to you - it's easy to assume that all dildos and vibrators are created equal.

Not so - some are made of substances that can do nasty things to you (like jelly) and some are made of substances that can pick up and carry nasty things (TPE and any non-sterilizable plastics) and some you can do nasty things to yourself (try silicone lube on a silicone dildo - or rather, don't.)

But until a recent clean out of my sex toy box, I never realized what nasty things sex toys could do to each other.

Like the Sapphire Enhancer Ring by Cal Exotics, for example. One of my favorite cock rings, made of thermoplastic rubber, it was always kept within easy reach.

Except unfortunately, that easy reach was touching the Vac-U-Lok Realistic Dong Royale (in Europe, we call it the Vac-U-Lok Realistic Quarter Pounder.) This big, black rubber cock was also within easy reach (but we never use it without a condom, kids.)

The two didn't like each other; and this is what happened:

The Realistic Dong Royale literally ate the Sapphire Ring, reducing it to a squishy paste. What was even scarier was the the big, black rubber cock was unharmed (which neatly adds another layer of neurosis to Caucasian penis insecurity!)

But deeper into the toy box I delved, and more horrors I uncovered:

Our cute little clitoral Tongue Dinger, made of TPR similar to the Sapphire Enhancer, was also melted away by close proximity to my wife's Jack Rabbit Vibrator - made of the dreaded Jelly.

And before you accuse me of bringing all this upon myself, by way of having a very disorganized toy box, witness the final casualty - the Tommy Blade Sensafirm Penis. Despite being safely stored in its original blister case, out of direct sunlight, this impressive tower of cock turned albino white under our bed!

Instead of the rich, fleshy hues of when we first got our hands on it, Tommy Blade's cock now resembled the sort of thing hanging between the legs of that Albino monk from the Di Vinci Code.

Now, I'm particularly pale; my Anglo Scots heritage means that you can spot me from space when I take my shirt off on a sunny day. However, even my manhood - which Wifey has nicknamed 'moby' (as in, the Great White Whale) isn't quite this pallid. This is the sort of thing Bella, from Twilight, has to get her lips around every time Edward wants a blow job.

Suffice to say, the damaged toys were thrown away - and those that remained were carefully partitioned to avoid any further potential damage.


Caramella said...

Everything in my toybox is wrapped up separately in silky scarves, or its original blister pack. Last night however, I discovered that one of my dildos has gained a textural quality from the scarf it was wrapped in. Still very usable - I checked thoroughly to make sure.

champagneandbenzedrine said...

"I checked thoroughly to make sure."


And the silky scarves sound incredibly erotic and classy. I transferred mine to zip lock bags. Erotic FAIL.


Tess said...

You can call me sex toy snob, but this is why I won't use any toy that isn't steel, aluminum, silicone, glass or wood.

Looking at melted jelly messes is pretty frightening. Though that albino dildo could make for some amusing evil monk role play.

Sam said...

I know this is almost a year old, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your pictures. And for your Pulp Fiction reference :P